For the past 3 weeks I have been working every day but Sunday. It really takes a toll on your people skills when you're in the same place 6 days a week and it gets you thinking about things you wish you could tell your customers. I know a few (okay, most) of these things will seem nit-picky, but what else do I have to do 6 days a week if not nit-pick. I cetainly refuse to enjoy myself. Ha, just kidding. But here we go.
Don't grab the plate out of my hand unless you can see that I am handing it to you because I can't reach you. So rude. I am presenting you with your meal, not passing out an exam. It's not a race to see who can get started first.
Don't let your kid draw on the table with crayons. Realize that the next person who sits down will ask me to come over and clean the table twice before they finally believe me that it is crayon and it will not come off without chemicals.
Please don't repeat someone's order as if I didn't hear them. I heard them, let them do the talking. Yesterday I waited on a grandmother and a grandson who must have been 17. He said, "I'll have the frisco melt with fries." Grandma says, "He'll have the frisco melt with fries." Yeah, I got that.
Please don't try and be my buddy by saying, "Oh how rude of that lady to tip you in change," then leave me two bucks. That old lady tipped me in change but it added up to $4.48. More than you were willing to give.
If you're over the age of 11, we hate singing happy birthday to you more than you hate being sung to. Trust us.
Please don't make me wait to get your order because you're "busy" putting your child's cardboard cars together. Cardboard isn't worth waiting for. Oh and your kid will NEVER remember to take that stupid car home and I will end up having to clean it up along with the stickers they decided would look better on the table than on the car.
Please don't ask to be put far away from the air conditioning vent. As if there isn't one pointed in every direction no matter where you sit. As if the building isn't cooled evenly. I am going to seat you here and tell you it's the warmest spot in the restuarant. And you'll believe me. Bring a sweater.
Please don't complain about your food if you refuse to let me fix it. I know you just want to make me feel bad. Don't pretend you really "just wanted to let me know." If you don't want a new meal or a free dessert out of the deal, don't say anything. "Hon, I asked for no cheese on my burger." "Oh, I'm sorry. I'll get a new one right our for you." "No. It's fine. I just wanted you to know."
Finally. Do not tell me I was an excellent server and that it was a pleasure meating me I look just like you granddaughter and have a great smile and make that bowtie look good and have a graceful presence...then leave a bad tip. It's sad, but servers all have one thing in common. If you're not going to tip, hold the small talk. We're here to make money.
**There are exceptions to most of these rules but it's more fun to just say the rules and make you wonder if you've every done any of these things. I know none of you have done the last one. It is far to shameful and is usually saved for old men and teenagers.