This Sunday I got out the Christmas 1989 home movie. It is slightly less popular than the Christmas 1990 video because there is less fighting and more sweetness. But I enjoyed it just the same. One of my favorite moments was when Dad put the camera on the tripod to film he and mom opening gifts with Holly and Leah running back and forth bringing them their wrapped treasures--Holly mis-reading the labels, giving them to the wrong parent, and Leah correcting her. I mostly sat there and put things in my mouth. (The ten-month-old me, not the 21 year old me) But there was a moment where dad picked me up and kissed me and sat me on his knee. It made me miss being little. It made me miss being surrounded by my big sisters, mom's big hair and dad's mustache. It made me cry.
I saw lots of Steven in Leah, sliding on her belly across the kitchen floor and sticking her tongue out at the camera every chance she got. And it made me think, maybe it's not just boys who are obnoxious at that age. I saw Nolan's serious face in Holly when mom had to tear her from her nap for her own party. Kyle asked mom why she had me drinking formula at only 10 months and she said, "Cara just didn't want to nurse after 8 months. She had to be with her sisters." I still see that in me. I used to think it was cool to live in Florida--until it wasn't. Now I just feel shut out. And the more I watched that video the more I looked forward to Christmas, and not Christmas 2010 in particular. Maybe Christmas 2018--when we have a little baby (who I hope is as chubby and red-headed as I was) and a family of our own. I want so much out of life and the more I live the more I learn that God wants me to want it. He gave me life to live it and I feel every day that I am living closer to my dream.
Friday night Kyle and I were talking about how much we love being married and he said, "In just a few more years I will be exactly where I've always wanted to be." And to that I replied, "This is all I ever wanted so I'm doing pretty good." But the things I want develop. I used to want a husband, now I want a real job and then a baby. (or 2 or 3) I don't call this being unsatisfied. If all I ever wanted was a husband and after that I let things come and go as they pleased, that would be called being complacent.
The more I desire what God wants for me, the more joy I find in life. I hope the same for anyone reading this.