Friday, September 23, 2011

rough road

I tried to blog a couple times while I had a cast on my arm, but one-handed typing is exhausting and frustrating. So, I always gave up. But now that the cast is gone, I have to work on flexibility, and flattening my wrist enough to type is a great exercise, so here it goes.

Where to begin. I have been studying Romans at my womens bible study on Wednesdays, and in my alone time, I have been reading about Paul's thorn, which he asked God to remove from him 3 different times. But God left that thorn in Paul's life, whatever it was--physical ailment, bad relationship--it's not specified. But every time I read the description of a thorn, I think of my current job situation. It drains me, it causes me to lose sleep, it makes me feel inferior and lost and scared. I know none of these feelings are from God, so that means Satan is supplying them, right? So why does Satan have such a hold on my life right now? Why can I walk around work smiling and greeting people with my outgoing personality, then cry myself into exhaustion every night at the thought of going back?

It's a rough road I'm on, and Kyle is right there with me. He sees (and is forced to hear) my pain, and he is growing into a wonderfully supportive husband as a result. He has a tendency to brush negativity off with sayings like, "That's life," or "It's a job, it's supposed to make you miserable," but when I told him how much those things make me feel hopeless, he has really risen to the occasion. The other night was especially horrible. I couldn't get work off my mind. It was also my day off and I had just had my cast removed, so my doctor had said that I needed to take a bath and work out my arm underwater. So while I was having a meltdown at 10 o'clock at night, Kyle ran me a bubble bath and put votive candles all around it. He really doesn't want me to feel this way, and niether does God. So I just have to remember that this is my thorn, and as much as God wants to remove it, and my husband wants to drown my sorrows in a bubble bath, I have to remember that when I am ready, God will remove me from this rough road. And until then, I will try to be the best version of myself.

On a positive note, I bought my plane tickets to go to Texas for the birth of my niece. Four whole days of my three favorite things: Texas, sister(s) and traveling will be a much-needed break from the mutiny of my thorn issue. And after that, I have Thanksgiving to look forward to, for which I will be traveling to Georgia! I know that the remaineder of this year will fly by. Living day off to day off really eats up the weeks and blends them into a mushy memory of "what just happened??" And today is my day off, so I plan to get my nails done, orgainize our dvd collection, and make boring calls to my insurance providers.

1 comment:

The Kopers said...

I'm sorry that you are in a tough season of life right now. But I am so glad that you are studying Romans during it! Paul's letters are some of the most encouraging things to read when things aren't going right.
One thing I've been learning lately is that Christ doesn't want to HELP us with our tough stuff. He wants to LIVE THROUGH us as we go through the tough stuff, and always. It's a hard thing to do but if you let HIS peace, HIS love, HIS patience, HIS goodness, HIS mercy, HIS kindness, HIS gentelness, live through you at work every day instead of trying to come up with your own, it'll be a lot easier. Sometime (today) I just have to pray, "Lord, give me your love for this person. Give me your patience" and then let your selfish desire for respect, purpose, comfort or joy go, and instead focus on the quality of Christ that you need most, He will give it to in abundance.
Praying for you. Love you!