Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The way things are

The wedding is practically here. And while I am sure that I will pause to reflect once more before the wedding, I would like to do so now as I think about how things have changed for me and for Kyle and I as a couple over the past year. One year ago, I was in a transition of a different sort. I was dreading UCF but very excited to have finished the milestone of BCC by getting my AA. I was also dating and hanging out with all the wrong people. And though I had stopped being friends with all the people I knew were bringing me down, the quest for new and better friends was one mistake after another. Then my two wonderful sisters gave me a bit of advice each that I feel may have helped turn things around. Holly have me Psalm 37:4 when I told her I felt like I was doing everything wrong and getting no closer to what I felt I needed. Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. The difficult part of that verse is not just saying, "okay, that's how I get what I want," but truly remembering to DELIGHT in the lord, not just do enough to get your way. Then Leah reminded me that there is nothing I can imagine or dream up for myself that is better than what God has for me. And I am a dreamer and a planner by trade, so that was hard to swallow. Ever since I was ten and started watching A Wedding Story on TLC, I have dreamt up my perfect relationship and never managed to create it. But God did. But the real reason I am writing this is because of my dealings with the changes in a relationship.

When dating starts, it's all about eachother. Your thoughts are consumed by him, and his by you. You will do anything to please him, make him laugh, happy, full or whatever. Then when you're engaged, all of that is amplified. I think being engaged has been the happiest time in my life. But once the engagement turns into planning mode, for me anyway, I began to feel pushed out of my own relationship. Suddenly I wasn't the bride, but the planner. Not the love interest of my groom, but the food taster, music picker and whatever else needed done. And not all the time, of course. But enough to make me want this wedding to get planned quick fast and in a hurry. What I'm saying is, tonight my parents' small group prayed for Kyle and I. They made a circle around us and each one that felt close to us prayed for our marriage. And I felt this huge rush come over me as my excitement came back. For a month I've been wearing blinders. Now I just want to breathe and think about marriage, not just the getting married part. You know what I mean? I want to imagine again, and dream things up. Then I will be happy to do what Leah told me, and watch God do it in his own better way. And I will be happy to delight in that plan, like Holly told me, and watch God give me what he knows I desire. I am so excited for my wedding, and the honeymoon, and especially for my family to be here. And this whole planning part has been a lesson in patience and the ability to look past what seems close and to accept what seems too far. If you are reading this, you must really love me. Becuase you just finished a really long reflection by a really over-tired bride-to-be. And if you're reading this, I love you too!

1 comment:

The Kopers said...

I do love you, and I'm so proud of the person you've become! I can't wait to see you in less than a week!